Where do I start? Oh, I know! How about
Well, New Year’s resolutions-wise I’m off to a really good start. Which resolution, you ask? Hold on one sec while I dig up my list.
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Okay, got it right here. New Year’s Resolution # 6 is “Watch more comedy.”
Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor certainly ticked that box. My guess is the tv producers were aiming for drama, but personally speaking I was close to laughing a pound or two off my @ss. I think the ending was what really sealed it.
I cannot believe how upset these girls became over some 'mystery gal' popping up out of nowhere, vying for Benny Boy’s attention. I had no clue who she was at first, as reality tv isn’t normally my thing.
I was all: Chad Who? She has feelings for Ben? Wow, small world because ALL of Ben’s dates have been saying the exact same thing. (Here, I resist rolling my eyes because if I start now I know I’ll never stop until this episode ends and I had just gotten rid of a headache). Is she some snooty ex-girlfriend the producers contacted just to boost their ratings? I don’t care if she stays or not, but she doesn’t look like a very nice person. (My stomach growls). I’m starving. I think I’ll raid the fridge for another orange. (Distracted by my dog's bark). Izzy, stop trying to play with the cat. Never trust a cat.
I left the room for a few minutes, and when I returned became even more confused because they kept making jokes about funerals, hearses and drinking blood. I later discovered that she was a funeral director.
Sigh… Big deal. It’s just her job. Get over it. We’ll all need one someday.
So Enter Funeral Director girl in a red dress, Stage Right.
There are death glares, claws coming out, tears threatening to ruin waterproof mascara, name calling, a lot of ‘I’m gonna fight for my man’ attitudes…. you name it.
And then the rose ceremony begins.
All I could conclude was either these girls are really, really fond of roses or they all think this guy is the reincarnation of Elvis and James Dean combined. One of them even came close to passing out. (Maybe she did). But seriously? Passing out? This wasn’t stemming from some run of the mill medical condition like low blood sugar either. It was no coincidence that she started blacking out, and keeling over like some fainting goat, during the rose ceremony of all things and only seconds before the last rose was about to be handed out.
Sorry, but I have to say it again…. Seriously?
And again… Seriously?
Everything female in the room was holding their breath, praying to the deity of their choice that Ben offers them a rose and gives them this one chance of a lifetime. After all, if a lass wants everlasting love she has to find it on reality tv.
Duuuhh, right?
But I had no idea that this event was such an epochal moment in these women’s lives. (How fortunate for them that it was being televised. Now it can be preserved for all eternity at their local dvd store).
Every time a girl received a rose from Ben, they hugged him tightly enough to cut off the oxygen flow to his brain. All of a sudden it felt like I was watching a re-enactment of The Titanic. Every single one of these girls was panicking and drowning in a frigid, dark ocean of black, and didn’t Ben see that he and he alone was their last hope at living a fulfilling life? He was their life raft, the father of their babies-yet-to-be. Didn't he know what was on the line here?! We're talking about everlasting happiness, twins with their Daddy's Josh Groban-esque hair, strolls through his vineyard with his little Jack Russell Terrier prancing at their heels. To quote the clergyman in The Princess Bride, we're talking about "tru wuv" here! "Tru wuv that will fowow you foweva!" They were going to simply DIE if Ben didn’t hand them their lifeline via of one of those blood red roses lying on a silver platter.
Nope, scratch that. This moment in tv history was heaps more serious than that, folks. It was as if these young women were mere moments away from being granted entrance to the other side of Heaven’s pearly gates. Tonight Ben might as well have been God Himself, donning a fancy suit and serious expression, while this Funeral Girl standing with them was the devil in a red dress. (She certainly dressed for the part).
But no worries, because in the end the ladies (minus 3) weren’t disappointed in
And he - and his smokin' hair - was such a gentleman about it, wouldn’t ya know?
So this is how The Bachelor 16 currently stands:
And then there were... (Counts to self: 1, 2, 3… 7… )
It’s down to 10, ladies and gents. Will Ben be able to handle the pressure without fainting on live television as well? If it’ll boost ratings or there’s a need for fillers, I’m sure he will.
