Extreme Anger, Sadness, Shock, Disillusionment

There are no words in existence that can describe what I'm feeling right now. I've always said that while this world is spilling over with beauty and kindness, it is also filled with unspeakable pain, ugliness and outright evil. And why?

Well that's pretty obvious: Because we've been given free will, and as a result of one deranged individual's actions, innocent people - included elementary aged schoolchildren - have paid for it with their lives. The victim's families will never be the same again. Not ever. I wish there was something we could do to make it better, but there isn't. There isn't anything that anyone can do to make things all better for these families. Absolutely nothing. Their pain is simply too unbearable for anyone to give them what they so desperately need and deserve.

To have their children and loved ones back!

I don't know how these families are going to get through this, even with the help and support from others. I can't even fathom how they've gotten through the past few days and nights. How do the parents that have more than one child explain something this tragic to them?

And why is it that the people which carry out such evil acts have to first kill innocent people before turning the gun on themselves? And whether or not there were visible signs of this monster being mentally ill, why did his mother collect semi-automatic weapons? (I can't fathom the draw of that at all).

I'm petrified of guns... (most of my nightmares revolve around them and we have neighbors that have been seen with automatic weapons before)... and am more comfortable with tasers for self-defense (although when I'm home alone when everyone is out of town I have wasp spray on the nightstand), but I'm not so naive as to see how guns don't only take innocent lives but also defends and saves them. While a gun needlessly slaughtered innocent children this past week, a gun could have easily rescued them as well; taking out the perpetrator instead.

The only black and white facts I've come up with are that 1). A metal detector could have avoided this from happening inside the school (although not outside), and that 2). Weapons have the power to both destroy and save lives. It's the person firing the gun that's the real issue here... but I'm not going to go on a loud tangent about gun control. I've always been gifted/cursed with the ability to see both sides of an issue very clearly, but anyone with a lick of common sense will see that there are, and always will be, gaping holes on both sides. Making it harder to obtain a firearm is essential I think, but there also needs to be strict mental evaluations for these people.

And see? I just now started to get on a tangent about my views on gun control, but I'm just not going to go any further. It doesn't matter what you or I think, because if a person is deranged enough to slaughter innocent children and the adults trying to protect them, they WILL FIND A WAY to do it no matter what obstacles are in place. They will fight like hell to carry out whatever atrocities they have in their sick, deranged minds. Stricter laws might delay, or even prevent, some of these atrocious acts from occurring but they will never entirely disappear. We live in a dangerous world, and it isn't always easy to recognize the monsters.

I'm trying my best to distract myself from what's happened. It's proving really difficult to focus on the good in this world. I'm trying to find some pleasure in these last few days of the Christmas season, but my mind keeps focusing on those families. As painful as the arrival of September 11th is for the victims' families each passing year, likewise Christmas will never again be a time of joy for these Connecticut families. The only thing they want this Christmas is to have their children back and to protect the one's they still have.

We all want that.

When I turned on the radio last night, "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" started playing. After less than a minute, I had to turn it off from thinking of all those little 6 and 7 year olds and their families. For the first time ever, the lyrics to that song felt so empty and cruel.

Well, that's enough rambling from me. While love and evil seem to be the one constant in this world, I just hope that amongst all these debates and strong opinions people don't lose sight of what really counts. At the start and end of each day, hug your loved ones that you're still lucky enough to have. You really never know what day will be your or your loved one's last. (And from perusing people's blogs this past year, especially over the past few months, I've read about a lot of losses. Too many; parents, children, pets, homes. My heart goes out to you all. Even a student my sister taught years ago was hit by a car a couple weeks ago).

And I keep trying to remind myself not to live in constant fear for the safety of myself and the people I love. (I work in a school district, and my sister is a teacher, but tragedies can happen anywhere. This year's mall and movie theater shootings come to mind, and now I hear the local church there in Connecticut received two threatening messages which caused them to evacuate the building and stop services). What I'm trying to say is that we're only on this merry-go-round for a short time, so I think it's important to live as good and happy a life as we possibly can. Instead of drowning in fear, spread a little positive energy to others instead.

And I'll say no more. I have a few people and pets to hug.